It’s been a few weeks since my last post. I went for my
first checkup with Dr. Oh on Monday, October 12th. Everything went
great. I had labs drawn and all were normal. I can officially say I am in
remission at this time. My doctor told me the chances of the cancer coming back
are very low but it’s something that I will remain under close follow-up over
the next few years. I go back in December to get a scan and see him again. I am so thankful for Dr. Oh and his amazing staff. Here he is, along with Paige (his nurse) and Jennifer (his scheduler and fellow ovarian cancer survivor- Praise God!!)
Me & Dr. Oh
Me & Paige
Me & Jennifer
Last weekend, I should’ve gotten “Wife of the Year Award”. I
surprised Cory with tickets to go to the Texas A&M vs Alabama game in
College Station. He was so excited and we had a great time despite the loss. We
were able to catch up with some great friends and enjoy a kid-free day
together.
This past week I was able to go with three of my friends to
see Chris in concert in College Station. It was a great time of worship
together. I am so thankful for genuine friendships with Jesus-loving women. We
are all a hot mess but it is amazing being able to encourage one another and
point each other back to Him.
Honestly, I have been in a weird place, in a funk of some
sort. During the concert, I realized what my problem was. Honestly, I can’t
remember which song it was but I just cried. I realized that I hadn’t been
honest with God. During this journey, I feel I’ve done a great job at celebrating
the victories and trusting the Lord during every step of the way. Most times I
didn’t have a choice. But, I have failed at allowing myself to process all the
emotions that come along with a difficult journey. Now that the chemo is over I’ve had some time
to catch my breath and begin to process what has just happened to me over these
last few months. In this I have experienced some anger and bitterness. I have
internalized and hidden these emotions because I have felt guilty for having
them. How could I be mad or upset about my circumstances when the Lord has done
so much for me? But, I will be real for a minute. I have found myself irritated
and bitter at certain parts of this trial. I am irritated I do not have any
hair and that I have to wear a hat every day. Vivian (aka the wig) has been retired for the
most part. She itches, makes my head hot and gives me a headache. And lets be
honest, everyone knows it’s not real so who am I kidding? I know it’s just hair and it will grow back,
but I am a little tired of going out in public and having everyone stare with
their “poor girl with cancer” look. I know,
I know, this is why I have internalized these emotions- they’re quite
ridiculous. I've also thought several times, Why did it have to be cancer? I would've told others about you in other ways. Then the Holy Spirit reminds me ... no, not in this way. You couldn't have without this. You were holding back giving all of yourself to me. Remember when I told you years back, I want you to share your story. This is your story. A story of complete surrender. I am doing things that can not be accomplished by man. Many will see my miracles in your life.
I think this is where so many of you can probably relate.
Insert your “trial” and the emotions we experience are all very similar. Rather
than being honest with God about how I feel, I have stuffed these feelings down
deep and tried to move on past them. By doing this, I created distance between
me and the Lord. There’s been days in the last few weeks that I haven’t wanted
to spend time in the word. The perfectionist in me wanted to get myself
together before I could spend “quality” time with the Lord. The unfortunate thing is that isn’t possible.
As I stood there at the concert, allowing the arena to sing over me, I wept.
Thankfully I realized what I was doing and I just apologized to God. Lord I am sorry for trying to hide from you.
Lord, you just want me. All of me. You have just been waiting for me to run to
your arms. He knows my heart, He created me. He knew this would happen to
me and how I would react to it. How could I think that I could hide this from
him? He wants me (and YOU) to come to him with everything. Just like David, we
can cry out to God and share our hearts with Him. The good, the bad and the
ugly. The best part is that by doing this we will only grow closer to the Lord.
He will never think any different of us or love us any less. We were designed
to have an intimate daily relationship with the Lord. This means that when we
believe in Jesus and accept that He is our Savior, we are filled with the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit is God in us. He is our guide and desires that deep level of
communication with us. I love reading about David in the Psalms because he may
be in the worst place possible mentally, feeling the lowest of the low, but he
is honest with God. Then at the end of every Psalm he praises the Lord with all
his soul. He is real, authentic and his life is an example to so many of us. Then
there’s the story of Hannah, the mother of Samuel. I have been reading about
her life this week through the IF daily devotional. She was unable to have children and was
devastated by this. One day she went to the tabernacle to pray to the Lord. The
priest Eli witnessed her pleading and praying, crying her heart out to the Lord
asking for a child. I love this picture in the scripture….
“But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out
my heart to the Lord.” 1 Samuel 1:15
I have never personally struggled with infertility, but I
can only imagine how devastated she must feel. In the midst of her trial she
poured her heart out to the Lord. I can only assume Hannah must have also
struggled through times when she was angry, bitter, doubtful and fearful. After
so long, the Lord honored her and gave her a son, one that would go on to be
one of Israel’s most faithful judges. The take home point here is that the Lord
is faithful and can do anything. He may not answer every prayer we have but He
will never leave us or forsake us. He desires a deep relationship with us and
only wants the very best for us.
We don’t have to have it all together to come to the Lord.
He wants us just as we are- messy, broken people. Thankfully the bible is full
of people whose lives were a disaster until they found Jesus. It was when their
lives were turned upside down for Him, that they found freedom in following
Him. Thousands of lives were changed during the process. Jesus, I pray you will
continue to turn my life upside-down. There is still so much work to be done to
make me more like you. I am so thankful for your grace and mercy and your
unrelenting love for me. Jesus, it’s all
for you. Every single day. Break every chain. You are enough.
Specific prayer requests:
1). Physical health.
- I am feeling
much better these days but am still struggling with fatigue and lower stamina.
Dr. Oh said it can take 3months to a year to feel “normal” again. This has been
a struggle for me.
- My next visit and scan in December. Pray for me to rest in
God’s sovereignty. As I think any person in remission from cancer can relate,
there’s always a chance it can return (whether 1% or 100% or anywhere in
between). Pray against the enemy reminding me of this.
2). My precious family.
- We are all trying to find our way post-cancer treatment.
Finding our new “normal”.
- The Lord is already moving in big ways in us. We have had
a definite shift in our focus and our relationships with Jesus. This whole
experience has created a new sense of urgency and excitement to change how we
live our lives and to focus on how the Lord has called us to live.
3). My transition back to work.
- I am aiming to start back to work mid-November. While I am
so excited, it will be a big change for my family as I have been home since this
journey started in June. It will be challenging physically for me as well.
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