Let go..

Last week I got a precious gift from my sister.  It was this necklace with the words “Let go” inscribed on it. 

Two simple words, yet such a deep and powerful meaning for me. Really sums up my life in the past two months. Before cancer, I worried about my worrying and my lack of surrender to the Lord. So many times people just told me.. “Let it go”. Really? That simple??  Then I felt guilty because I couldn’t just trust enough or believe enough. The bigger issue wasn’t my lack of belief; it was my idol of control.  The definition of “to let something go” is to “relinquish one’s grip on someone or something”.  I couldn’t let go.

Then came cancer. Showed up out of the blue. This wasn't part of the plan. 

            Proverbs 16:9

            We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

I do want to clarify something. The Lord didn’t give me cancer as a punishment for not trusting Him or something else I had done. But, I do believe that for me and my journey, the Lord has allowed this to happen for my refinement. For Him to be glorified. God is good, He wants us to flourish in this world and to bring others to Him. He only wants the best for us.

My grip was so tight on my life and the lives of my family that I couldn’t let go. I controlled every aspect of my life and their lives so much so that it affected my relationship with Jesus. They were more important to me than Him. I believed every single truth about Him, except the one that He was sovereign and could care for the most important things in my life. I didn’t trust He was in control of my life and that He could care for every single detail.

Suffering on this earth is everywhere. In fact, the bible tells us to expect it. Not only expect it, but have joy in it.

James 1:2

² Dear brothers and sisters,^[a] when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.

Romans 5:3-5

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

            Romans 8:18 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

John 16:33

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trials. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

How do you have joy with cancer? With any major loss? I never could have personally explained it without being where I am at now. Before cancer, I wouldn’t have been able to answer that question. I would’ve said “I have no idea. I can’t imagine how that is even possible.” See for the longest time, I have equated joy with happiness. I will never forget one Sunday at church, our worship leader Brad talked about how we can have joy without being happy. They aren’t the same thing. I never had truly understood this. But, now I do. Now, I was not happy when I got the cancer diagnosis, when my hair fell out in clumps or when I am dry heaving all day over the toilet. But, I have had an unexplainable joy throughout this journey. Joy that only comes from the Lord; from believing His truths and His promises for me.

Suffering is one of those things none of us can escape this side of heaven. No doubt some people suffer more than others. I have some friends that have endured so much loss in their lives that it brings me to my knees. I have asked “why?”. I think that’s a natural response. But, one thing that is certain is that I know the Lord is good. He is in control. He is never surprised by any of this. One day the Lord will reveal to us why He allowed suffering in our lives. Just like Job in the bible, God will restore us. Though we will suffer, the Lord will bring us to a place that was far better than we ever imagined. A place that was way better than before any trial we endure.

So, to let it all go. To trust. To surrender. Just as my sister wrote to me in the card she gave me with the necklace. This is a season of learning to “let go”. To surrender it all to the Lord. To lay my life down at the foot of the cross where Jesus gave it all for me. Where Jesus did all the work, so I wouldn’t have to do anything. Being a believer in Jesus doesn’t mean life is perfect and there is no pain. That’s what is so beautiful about the life of Jesus. He was God on earth. He suffered and experienced tremendous heartache on this earth, just like every other human being.

Luke 22:42

"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

Jesus asked the Lord to take his suffering away… but then he also said “I want your will to be done, not mine”.  Jesus had to suffer. He had to die so he could rise again. So he could conquer death fully. If the Lord would’ve taken the cup of suffering away from him, he wouldn’t have died on the cross. There would not be salvation or justification for our sins. We would have no hope.

So, even though I and so many others have asked the Lord to take away the suffering in my life. I also want the Lord’s will to be done in my life, because my will would’ve never led me to this place. In fact, it would’ve taken me anywhere else but here. I can’t see how this will all play out in the future. I have no idea where this will all lead me. But I trust the Lord is painting a beautiful picture. He is creating a story that I will have full understanding of one day. I will know why He chose me to have cancer.

Lord, I am letting go. I am surrendering it all to you. May your will be done on this earth. May you use my life to bring others to you. Lord, you are good, may others see you for who you really are. You are good. You are bigger. You are better. Jesus, this is all for you.

Health Update:

I am now through two of the three rounds. Both rounds I have been unable to get treatment on the third week due to my counts being low. I actually just skip those doses rather than having to make them up. I have three drugs in my regimen. This one on Tuesdays is an antibiotic they use in cancer treatment. For whatever reason, it doesn’t change anything to miss it because of my counts. Now if it was low on the weeks of my 5 day treatment, I would have to delay until my counts normalize. So, we are still on track. I am thankful for Labor Day. It gives  me a whole week off to regroup and rebuild some stamina before heading into round 3. I will be honest, I am dreading the next 5 day week. It starts September 14^th. These 5 day weeks have been absolutely terrible. By Thursday, the nausea sets in and then on Fridays the vomiting starts. It lasts for 3-4 days and it’s an all-day thing. It’s awful. I have never felt so near death than on these days. But, thankfully, there’s just one left. So if things continue to stay on schedule my last day will be Sept 29^th. I can’t wait to ring “the bell” on my last day of treatment.

Family Update:

Our little family is doing well. Emma started school last week and is doing really well. She has been blessed with an amazing teacher and has some friends in her class too. She is on a cheer team and playing volleyball this fall. Those activities are well under way J She is doing flips all over the place. I swear she spends more time upside down that right-way up. Will is doing really well too. He started back to speech therapy  at Emma’s school on Tuesday. He has a different therapist this year, as his one last year left to go to another school. He seems to be adjusting just fine. He started back to preschool today and did so good. He is just as sweet as ever, but he is all boy! Cory has been so amazing, truly the rock of our family. He is working two jobs- his real job at the fire station and his non-paying job at home J He has kept us afloat during this season. He has been reading and starting to study to take a lieutenant promotion test. We are so lucky to have him as the leader of our family.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray for continued protection over me from infection. With my counts being low, I am at increased risk and the kids are bringing home germs every day. Pray we would all be free from infection during this time.

2. Round 3 of chemo. For NO nausea or at least minimal. For all side effects to be minimal. For complete healing from this dang cancer.

Bracelets:

September is Ovarian Cancer awareness month. We are selling “Team Holly” bracelets to raise money to donate to Ovarian Cancer research. They are $5 each and we have adult and child sizes. You can pay one of two ways. If you want to pay cash- please comment here and I will contact you. If you can pay online, on the left side of the page select your size and click “Buy now”. It will direct you to the PayPal page to allow you to order. If you select “continue shopping” on that page it will direct you back to my blog to add the other size if you want some of both. Thank you for your support to help this cause.