“To risk is to willingly place your
life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown future, then to watch him come
through. He starts to get real when you live like that.” (Jennie Allen, “Anything”)
It’s been a
little over two weeks since one word forever changed my life.
Cancer.
The first
few days after are still such a blur. We left for Florida the day I after we
found out. Nothing like twelve hours in a car to deal with this new
reality. Really amazing though how it
all worked out that we got to spend a week in paradise. If there’s any place to
digest this news, this is the best I can imagine. I have always said that the
beach is the place that I always feel closest to Jesus. I love just listening
to the sounds of the waves, like it’s His peace washing over me. It’s endless. Just
like His love for me.
The first
few days are still such a blur. They were awful really. Lots of tears. My worst
fear has always been that I would have cancer.
That I would not live to see my children grow up or to grow old with my
husband. Now my worst fear was my new reality. On June 23rd, I
prayed that the Lord would teach me to trust Him more. That He would show me
what I was putting more importance on that Him. My idol is control. I have
always held this false belief that I was in control of my life. I placed more
importance on controlling my life which caused me to live in my own strength.
That in turn allowed fear to creep in. Fear of anything that would affect what
I am in “control of”. My life. My marriage. My children. Since I found out, I literally have been
clinging to the Lord with everything that I am. The enemy knows this and has been
full on attacking me since. Wanting me to believe that the Lord is not good.
That He is not bigger than my worst fear. That my life is over. Little does the
enemy know, my life is only beginning.
By completing surrendering to the
Lord for His will I have found peace. Freedom.
Confessing
to Him that I am an awful god. Repenting for trying to do His job. Truly
leaning into Him and allowing His arms to carry me. In this place of complete
surrender the Lord showed up. He has been so faithful. For the first time in my
life, God is real. He is not just something I read about and long for. A relationship
I feel that I have to earn. He has been there all along; waiting for me to let
go.
There have
been many scriptures that I have read over the last two weeks that I now see
with open eyes. I have had some of the sweetest time with God in these quiet
moments. Felt His presence. Truly the peace that surpasses all understanding
(Phil 4:7).
There are
some things that over these last few weeks I have heard from the Lord.
1). He is above all other things. It’s
Him first. He doesn’t compete with other idols.
By choosing
Him, doesn’t mean I can’t have my family. The enemy wanted me to believe that
by placing God first in my life may mean losing everything (my family, my
life). But the Lord clearly told me, it’s not one or the other. Choose me
first. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have both. By choosing Him, I will find
my life.
2). He is everything. I am nothing
apart from Him.
For so
long, I have lived my life and going to God “when I needed Him”. I know now
that I need Him all the time. There is no me apart from Him. I literally know
what it feels like to live in complete dependence on Him.
There are
so many examples of the Lord’s faithfulness over the last two weeks. Moments
when I cry out to Him and moments with my face to the ground asking for His
help. He continues to show up in various ways, through family and friends. So
many people being the hands and feet of Jesus. Tonight I received a gift basket
from friends at my church. Literally, blown away just staring at the generosity
of others. People using the resources the Lord has given them to pour into my
family’s lives.
My family is amazing- every single one of them. I have been prayed over and so much love has been poured out. My marriage is better than it has ever been. Funny how much perspective something like this will give a person. No more petty fights or grudges being held.
One morning
I was feeling very overwhelmed and doubt was creeping in. The enemy was taking
hold of my thoughts. I prayed and asked the Lord to be reminded of His truths.
In less than an hour, an envelope showed up on my front porch with note cards of
specific prayers that someone was praying over me and my family. Wow!
I have
received countless texts, email and cards in the mail. So many reminders of His
truth and promises.
Several
days ago, I was getting ready for the day and felt anxiety setting in. I
started praying for the Holy Spirit to calm my nerves. For peace in His
presence. I grabbed my phone to read a few scriptures to refocus. I have been
reading through the Psalms over the last few weeks. I love how real David is
with God. He holds nothing back. The Lord always responds. He rescues him,
protects him, and provides calm in the storm of life. I couldn’t remember
exactly where I had left off but Psalm 30 came to my mind. I had no idea what
this chapter said. When I pulled it up on my phone, I nearly passed out.
Psalm 30:1-4
I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.
4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
Praise his holy name.
I felt the
Lord asking me again, “Do you trust me?”.
If you remember I prayed that prayer. I told the Lord “I want to
surrender my life to you. Every single part. I want to trust and rest.” All the
Lord wants from me (and all of us) is to say “Yes” to Him. To fully surrender
to Him. I am totally guilty of wholeheartedly wanting to serve Him and use the
gifts He has given me, but as long as they fit under my guidelines. I didn’t
want it to hurt too bad. I am guilty of putting God in a box.
My sister
and sister-in-law have both been reading and studying the book called “Anything”
by Jennie Allen. I have heard nothing but amazing things from everyone who has
read this book. But it’s not a warm and fuzzy read. It challenges you to
confront your life head on. Funny enough, I have had the book for several years.
But, I have always been hesitant to pick it up. Anything? Would I really do
anything? The honest answer is no. Do I want to have cancer? No. Do I want to
lose a loved one? Go through a divorce? Lose my job? Move to Africa? Not really
any of those, but thank you. Yesterday, I picked up the book and have barely
put it down. I am almost finished. Wow, is all I can say. So much of what she
is saying resonates within my soul now.
Here are a few of my favorite quotes
from her book.
“We don’t want to fall. We like to
see great testimonies of God’s grace, but we don’t want to be the testimony.”
“God is saying, I am God! I know
what I am doing. I know this feels excruciating, but I am about something here,
and I am asking you to trust the one who tells the ocean where to stop and the
sun when to launch.”
“We control because we are afraid of
what may happen if we let go.”
“Honestly, we grow up through
suffering. And most of us need to grow up. I’ve learned to quite wishing away
all the hard stuff, because I don’t want to miss all the good stuff that goes
with it.”
I just have
to believe that God is who He says He is. I keep getting a taste of the freedom
He promises. I can’t wait to see the freedom I will have once He walks me
through my biggest fear. At that point, once I’ve reached the other side, I
will not have anything to hold back. He is healing all my hurts, both physical
and emotional. He is breaking every stronghold in my heart.
I will
close with this from “Anything”… what I also feel God is speaking to me.
“You protect yourself with me. You bind
truth to the front of you so when darkness comes you remember me. You remember
I am bigger. You remember I win. You remember I am with you today and forever;
even if you can’t see me, I am there. You put my Word, my truth, in front of
you. Protect yourself with me and my righteousness.
And then, you run. Let your feet
carry you into battle building my name, sharing my love, telling my story,
showing my glory. Go. Run. Fight. Do not just sit there feeling sorry for
yourself. Run and fight.
Let your shield be faith. See, if I
am real to you- if you believe you stand behind the God of universes- you won’t
need to be afraid. You may get tired but you won’t forget why this war matters
if you don’t forget me. You’ll fight bravely, like someone who knows she fights
for a cause worth dying for. You’ll keep fighting if you see me.
You have me with you – I am in you.
Fight bravely because I am for you
and I am with you.”
The battle
starts tomorrow morning. May the treatments I undergo not only kill every
cancer cell and completely heal my physical wounds. But, Lord may this process
heal my emotional wounds. May you break every chain.
Lord, I am
ready. Prepare my heart for what is to come. Strengthen my family and protect
them as well. Lord, I would never have picked this path, but you made me in
your perfect image. You knit me in my mother’s womb and know the number of
hairs on my head. By your wounds, I am healed. May I never stop telling of all
you have done in and through me. Lord, all I have ever wanted is freedom.
Amazing how it takes walking through my biggest fear to find it. Jesus, this is
all for you.You have gone before me and will never leave me.
Holly
Holly...your thoughts are put to words so eloquently. It is amazing to see how God is working through you to praise Him. I know God will heal you. I will continue to pray for you.
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