Thy Will Be Done – June 30, 2016

One year ago today, I went to the operating room to have the mass in my abdomen removed. I woke up from anesthesia to find out that my tumor was a benign ovarian cyst. A very unusual one, but the initial pathology showed no cancer. Needless to say, there was much celebration going on that day. I went home from the hospital thankful that was a short lived journey. It could have looked so much different if it would have been cancer. But as much of you know, the story took a turn a week and a half later. It was cancer.

I have been reflecting a lot over the last few weeks. Honestly, I’ve been somewhat dreading these few weeks. There are times that the weight of all that has happened is still unbearable. Those moments do not come as often, but there are still waves of emotion that come and go. I think that will likely never go away. There are certain places that remind me of cancer, there are certain smells or restaurants that remind me of cancer.

Thankfully, we have been very busy in the Tomlin house these last few weeks. I have been able to keep busy and stay distracted with work and packing. Today we closed on our new home. Yesterday, we closed on our current home. We are so thankful for the way everything has worked out. Literally, every step of the way the Lord’s hand has been present.

Over the last few weeks I have been listening to this song “Thy Will Be Done”. I literally can feel the weight of every single word sung. I have no idea the circumstances behind the writing of this song but I can relate to every single word.

I'm so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through, Somehow I ended up here

I clearly remember praying and laying it all down for the Lord last June. Praying and begging for the Lord to show me areas of my life I placed above him. Then two weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer… my worst fear had come true.

I don't wanna think, I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray, All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done. How can any of us ever understand how cancer can be a part of his “plan”? I don’t have a good answer. But, it can be. I don’t even know where to begin to tell you how much energy it took for me to get out of bed some days. I would just cry and beg the Lord for his mercy on my life. It didn’t just go away instantly either when I asked. It was a process. That process will never stop this side of heaven.  

I know you're good, But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think, Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy, Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense, Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop, Remember that you're God, And I am not

I grew up loving Jesus, going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. God as always been an important part of my life. But it took cancer for me to truly see how REAL God is. I was able to experience His love and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in so many ways. It was in those darkest moments of my life that I saw the true goodness of the Lord. I felt the true goodness of his spirit. I received true strength from the only one who could give it to me.

I know you see me, I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me, Goodness you have in store

In those first few weeks after my cancer diagnosis, I couldn’t focus on anything. I was literally living minute to minute. I was consumed by fear and true shock of the reality I found myself living in. Truly it felt like a horrible nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Here I am a year later. There are so many things I would tell the “old me”. Although the old me wouldn’t have ever believed it. Holly, it will all be worth it. Jesus. He is worth it. Every single tear. Every minute of the sickness. He is worth it. Cancer is my story of redemption.

There are countless ways the Lord has moved through my cancer. In my family. Through my friends. Complete strangers have heard the name of Jesus. The best part now is the Team Holly Foundation. Birthed out of a journey the Lord led me on…. It was only the beginning. He is still writing my story. The Lord isn’t finished. He continues to provide opportunities for me every single day to share a part of my story. I am so excited about the chance to help women just like me walk through their cancer journey. To give them the same hope I have. The hope that doesn't come from doctors or family, but from our living God. 

The Lord saved me from more than cancer. He saved me from a life I was living not fully for Him. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

Thy will be done. Jesus, it’s all for you.

Here is the song video...

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