Well, this post will be short and sweet. Great news is I had a repeat sono this week that showed my cyst is smaller. My oncologist was happy to hear this and said that's good if it's smaller because cancer doesn't get smaller on its own. Reassuring! His nurse Paige has been a God send. Listening to my worries over and over again, all the while providing such sweet encouragement and support.
I won't lie though... This week has been awful. I've been an emotional mess. Life, work, health. I feel like I'm standing still in the midst of a whirlwind. Like I said last post, two people I know have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer in the last week. For something so rare to happen twice, just awful. I have grieved for them knowing what they are about to endure. I have grieved for myself relieving the time I was diagnosed. My mind has been all over the place knowing I have a cyst we are watching and then having other symptoms as well. Going into yesterday I was terrified of it being much larger. Again, so thankful for the results I got.
This phase in my journey has been so very difficult. It seems at every turn there's been something. A new cyst. Surgery. Another new cyst. Worrying about if symptoms I am having are related, is it cancer again or am I just nuts. Typically it's the latter but you get my point. I was listening to a sermon this week that hit home pretty hard. Matt Chandler was talking about how every time he goes in for a scan there's fresh fears and anxiety that surfaces. I didn't feel so guilty when I heard him say that. I mean if anyone loves Jesus. It's that dude. And he still worries and has anxiety about his cancer coming back. But there's a right way and wrong way to handle it. Here's a link to the sermon here...
I highly recommend listening to it if you have ever or will ever worry about anything. Which should be every single one of you :) Another thing he said hit home...
"The bottom line in most fear and anxiety is you don't simply trust God is good."
I still have so much to process and work through. I am praying that in this valley the Lord would build my confidence back up in him. There's still work to be done in my heart. I still have trust issues. I have good days and I have bad days. We all do. Life is hard. As James tells us that WHEN trials come, count it all as joy. Not if they come, but when. It may not be cancer for you. But I am certain it's something. Everyone of us has something we are tightly holding onto. We can't be led by God if our hands are tied/full. Every single one of us will walk through a season or maybe a lifetime of suffering. It's not meaningless. Every single moment is worth it and God can be glorified through it.
In this season, I am praying for the Holy Spirit to continue to show me his mercy. I am a bit stubborn and tend to live in my own strength. Hence why I am so exhausted. Lord help me to continue to trust you in the valleys like I do on the mountain tops. You are good.
Love this song and the weight of the lyrics ...
Though you slay me, yet I will praise you.
Lifting up my teal sisters tonight. Lord continue to fight for them.. May they be healed of this horrific disease, but ultimately may we all find freedom in You, our Savior.
Jesus, it's all for you.
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